Grieving Families Find New Outlet on the Internet

Author: By Hermione Malone, Globe Staff
SUNDAY, October 10, 1999

Beneath a smiling photo of Phyllis Anderson in a dark suit and bob haircut are the intimate details of her life. She had two children. She helped restore old buildings. She started a Ronald McDonald house. But the most unabashed tribute to the Illinois woman who died of cancer is from her 9-year-old grandson: ``Every day she had to take medicine called chemotherapy to kill the cancer!'' wrote the third grader in a school essay for Relative of the Year. ``This chemotherapy made her feel very sick and tired, but . . . she didn't give up her positive thoughts and she persistently took her treatments, rested, and didn't give up!''

The 400-word testimonial didn't run in the church bulletin or the local paper. Instead, funeral directors in Hinsdale, Ill., suggested remembering Anderson in another way -- on the Internet. As the Web is used more and more to forge buyer-seller relationships, on-line obituary companies are just beginning to move out of the development phase into the e-commerce arena.

The company that featured Anderson's obituary, ObitDetails, is slated to move into the Boston market by year's end. In other cities, the Internet already has reached into the hearts of the bereaved, with raw, emotional tributes on-line giving people another way to express their grief. Family and friends post memorials and share stories of the loved one with those who can't attend funerals. One site may eventually even provide ``virtual visits'' to the gravesites.

``We're not trying to replace the traditional, but the Internet came along and allowed us to offer so much more,'' said Stopher Bartol, president and CEO of ObitDetails, LLC. The Chicago company, marketed in seven cities, works with funeral directors to sell its service. Typically, obituaries run in newspapers for about two days, say local funeral directors, and cost an average of $200. With on-line obituaries, families can pay as little as $99 for a site that lasts one year, and up to $250 for a site that has no time limits.

Heaven's Door Corp. in Coral Gables, Fla., also is offering on-line obituaries as well as a guest book so families can see who visits the site and visitors can leave messages. The company, which focuses on advertising products like caskets, funeral homes, and cemeteries, is developing the option to visit gravesites. ``No one is shocked and appalled and no one has really expressed distasteful reaction to it,'' said Jay Fontana, the company's marketing director. ``People realize it's something that may be of use to them.''

Craig Anderson, a physician at Loyola University, admits he hesitated posting his wife's obituary on-line after she died in March at the age of 57. ``I had a lot of debate with myself whether to put this information out there, because a lot of it is so personal,'' said Anderson. ``On the other hand, to be able to put it out there to celebrate Phyllis's life to family and friends was important. It brought some sense of pride.'' Far-away family and friends accessed her obituary and memorials on line, and within a few weeks of her death, there were more than 500 visits to the site, Anderson said. ``A number of people at my work went to that site and looked at it,'' he said.

Those who sign up with obitdetails.com also can place information about service times, maps and directions, and floral and charitable donations. Recently, a virtual guestbook let fans express their sympathies when Phil Walters, a popular Chicago news anchorman, died. ``It did the family more good than it did anyone individually,'' said Tom Irmiter, funeral director of Lloyd Mandel Levayah Funerals, which provides Jewish graveside services. The virtual guestbook service will be available to all clients soon, Irmiter said. ``If someone can't make it to the funeral, they can go to that specific area of the site and leave a note for the family,'' he said. ``It will be forwarded and printed out for the family on the day of or earlier.''

Lloyd Mandel Levayah Funerals -- with offices in Illinois, New York, Montreal, and Florida -- began offering on-line obituaries to its clients for free in January. Since then, the company has placed about 100 obituaries on its Website at www.levayah.com. Obituaries can include photos, service and shiva information, and, like the other companies, Levayah allows families the length they want to memorialize loved ones. Both Bartol and Fontana see a greater possibility for on-line obituaries.

For some, the tributes offer a piece of immortality, they say. Even if your loved one died years ago, you can post an obituary on-line. ``My grandfather, who is on the Web site, was a very important man in our family history and many of us want to be able to share that history with those of the family not yet born. This is an obvious way to be able to make sure that happens,'' Bartol said. ``That's what I believe is striking a chord with people.''

Even though on-line obituaries have not reached Boston, some local funeral directors already have heard of it. ``In the future, it will become more common, but you have to start somewhere,'' said Joe Reardon, funeral director at Sweeney Funeral Homes in Quincy. In Boston, the J.S. Waterman & Sons Funeral Home also has heard of similar Internet ventures, but has not signed on yet.

David Jacobson, who runs Chicago Jewish Funerals, uses ObitDetails. ``Ninety percent of people love it. It's just an extension of a death notice,'' he said. Craig Anderson says he has no regrets going on-line with his wife's life story. ``I thought it was terrific. And it's really a good way of sharing,'' he said. But how would Phyllis Anderson feel about sharing her life and death with a worldwide audience? ``I spent a lot of time thinking about that,'' Anderson said, ``and she probably would have thought her family was going a little bit nuts in celebrating her life, I suspect, but that's the way we felt about her.''